When Men are the Victims

May 23, 2008

sHeSpeaks: By Fiscal/Mami/Sai Eldred Cole

When I first heard the phrase “male victims of domestic violence” I practically snickered. My mind came up with an image of a weeping tyrant with a bandaged hand wishing he’d had the presence of mind to beat his wife’s face with a stick instead of his fist. Yes, Virginia, there is violence against men. But, the idea of a battered man mostly evokes comic-strip images of the wife wielding a rolling pin. At first glance, the notion that this could be a widespread or serious problem strikes most people as ridiculous and ludicrous– including the victims themselves. We may laugh about it, scoff at the idea of it or raise our eyebrows and shrug our shoulders, nevertheless it is true. But why do we know so little about domestic abuse and violence against men? Why does domestic violence against men go unrecognized?

Several reasons: First of all, the incidence of domestic violence against men as reported appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates. It does not register in the radar of statistics. On the other hand, it has taken several years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse. You see the idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so absurd that many men will not even attempt to report the situation or even think about reporting it.

At the same time, the dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women. The reasons, purposes and motivations are often very different between sexes. In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused. For example, it is assumed that when a man who sports a bruise or black eye, he was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing basketball or soccer. Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished that men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them.

What is then domestic abuse and violence against men? There are no absolute rules for understanding the emotional differences between men and women. Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and differences. For men or women, domestic violence includes all physical abuse which includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon. But, domestic abuse can also be mental or emotional. However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally can in some cases be very different from what hurts a woman. For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure or even insulting his manhood can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a woman. Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in various ways. In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse.

For example, the ability to tolerate and put up with a physical assault by a woman in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong, and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman. In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse. It has been observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often more “vicious” than men. Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal – even deadly!

So when confronted by domestic abuse, what should men do?

First, don’t hit back. While I believe that a woman who smacks a man and then gets smacked back bears responsibility for the consequences of her action, fighting back is not a very good idea. If you’re an average man and your partner is an average woman, you can do major damage with a single blow. However, don’t restrain her, either, since restraining her may escalate things further. The best thing to do, if children aren’t involved, is to leave so you stand less of a chance being charged with abuse.

Second, don’t keep it a secret. If you cannot easily leave because of the children, for example — let someone know what is happening. Overcome the embarrassment and call the police. Talk to a counselor, a priest, or pastor, your doctor, to family members. When you do leave, evidence of abuse may help you win custody of the children in case it will become an issue later on.

Third, speak out about your experience as a victim of abuse. If just the men who were being abused spoke out, domestic violence against men will no longer go unrecognized and maybe we as a society will finally realize that domestic violence is not just about “patriarchy” but about human imperfection; that it is not only a gender issue but a human issue. Maybe then we can stop the blame game and look for ways to make our society less violent, for our children, for the future. (For comments and/or violent reactions e-mail me at coi_416@hotmail.com).

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